befriending myself

I feel like I’m in the midst of recovering from emotional / spiritual / physical / creative burnout, and I’m not sure which direction I wanna wander next, but I’m happy to have made it to this place. Now that I have some energy, I find myself unsure of where to direct it. What I’ve been trying to do lately is become more myself, trust myself, embody the Queen of Wands, and write it all down. I’ve been trying to open myself up to new experiences & opportunities, new conversations, new feelings. I’ve been trying to befriend myself. It’s hard work!

I’ve been creating new daily rituals, and inviting some old ones back into my life. One of those rituals is simply drawing a Tarot card in the morning, and letting it guide me through my day. Although I’ve only been drawing one card, I began by drawing three, a quick Past Present Future reading, or, as I referred to it that day, “What the fuck happened? Where the hell am I now? And where am I going?”

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I drew The Tower for my past, The Chariot for my present, and Strength for the my future. It does indeed feel like a series of disasters, near-deaths, and everything falling apart over & over is how I’ve ended up here. The Chariot was a reminder that this is a process, a journey, but I do have inner resources & skills to carry me to the next place, even when it doesn’t feel like it, even when I don’t know where I’m going. And Strength, well, what can I say? There are many moments in which I do not feel strong, emotionally or physically, in any way at all, and yet, I know I contain many strengths within me, and that there is strength to be found within all these messes as well, strength within gentleness, sadness, and pain. I’m slowly learning how to embody these strengths, and how to redefine strength as well. (I recently saw a Tarot card in which Strength was drawn as a woman tickling a lion’s belly!)

The crystals in the photo were given to me by a lovely Tarot reader & witch in Toronto who really encouraged me to love myself, trust myself, and fully embody the Maranda I often feel is hidden so deeply within me, or is even way out there, so far away I cannot even find them. She gave me orange citrine for communication & creativity, amethyst for psychic ability, and black tourmaline for protection. I keep them with me tucked inside the little pouch that holds my travel-size Rider-Waite-Smith deck, in my backpack wherever I go.

Telegram371

I wrote a new zine! It’s a split zine with myself! I felt as though I were telling two stories, but they could not be told separately, so, you can read one story, then flip it over & read the other. Telegram #37 Part A is about complex-trauma, resisting & (re-)imagining recovery, creating new boundaries, abandoning identity, navigating the city of Toronto with a cane, the ways the body remembers trauma when the mind cannot, winter survival & disability, embracing the present while mourning the past, self-protection, & gratitude. Part B is about learning how to stay present in my body, choosing compassion rather than empathy, learning about and practicing yoga, naming & learning how to embody my values, how MDMA made me want to stay alive, understanding suicide, & trauma recovery. Read it at schoolformaps.etsy.com!

Recoveringly Yours,
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P.S.: If you’ve benefited from my writing in any way – if my words have inspired you, helped you feel less alone, or sparked some weird feeling within you; if you’ve felt encouraged, or curious, or comforted – please consider compensating me by offering a donation of any amount. Whether you’ve been reading my writing for years, or just stumbled into me this afternoon, I invite you to help me sustain the process!

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