I recently wrote in a letter to a friend: “One thing that’s been bothering me is this: I feel like a lot of girls right now are just discovering the whole riot grrrl thing, and that’s awesome, but instead of writing anything new or really passionate or just fucking out there and impossible to ignore, they seem to be trying, poorly, to replicate what’s already been done. Have you noticed that? Does it bother you? I don’t deny anyone’s right to write what they’re writing, I’m sure it is all very cathartic and wonderful for them, I’m sure zines will change their lives… I just don’t want to read them anymore. I appreciate their enthusiasm, but I just can’t read anymore zines on Feminism 101.”
I often get letters in the mail from girls who apologize to me for the quality of their zines, or preface a trade note with, “I haven’t been making zines for as long as you…” or whatever. Sometimes they even ask for permission to write me a letter instead of just sending it! I’m a zinester, my mailbox is my life. What changed in the zine community that these are now the kinds of messages I get? It bothers me that girls don’t seem to have the confidence to simply send a letter and/or a zine, and see what happens. If you have to apologize for your zine, you’re not finished writing it yet. Just pretend to be confident until you are; that’s what I do. It works.
My problem isn’t with young women who are just discovering feminism; it’s with a lack of imagination. I’m sick of seeing Bikini Kill quotes everywhere instead of new words, new thoughts, new ideas, new art. When zinesters ask me for advice, I say this: Don’t wear your influences on your sleeve. I have conflicting views on this, though: While I want to encourage just about anyone and everyone to make zines, to write their heart out onto the page and share it, it also just so happens that, over the years, the kinds of zines I am drawn to have changed, and, because I am very interested in language, writing, & literature, there are some zines that I don’t like as much as others, and because of my (often quiet) critiques of some zines, I sometimes feel like I may be contributing to the very way of thinking that I am attempting to eradicate. That is, that some zines are better than others. It’s not true. It’s entirely subjective, and how I feel about one zine need not dictate how anyone else feels about it. I’ve read glowing reviews of zines I didn’t like at all, and terrible reviews of zines I loved. And who cares. The truth is, it doesn’t really matter. But it’s a healthy discussion to have.
One of the greatest ideas that came out of the original riot grrrl movement, I think, was this: Encouragement in the face of insecurity. That is what I try to keep in mind when writing and reading zines, when writing fiction, when learning how to play roller derby, any situation in which I might feel scared or shy or weird or anxious, or whatever, I think of that line, and that’s what I’ve got on my mind when I’m communicating with someone who might be feeling the same way.
One topic that seems to be coming up in conversation quite a bit lately is this: The invisible zinester hierarchy.
When I was first getting into zines, I never once felt like my zine couldn’t be good enough because I hadn’t made many, and I never got the feeling that some zinesters were more ‘famous’ than others. To be fair, I started out in a very insular part of the zine community; I traded with girls I had met through Hole.com. I didn’t know that anybody wrote zine reviews outside of the back pages of their own zines, I didn’t know what the point of a blog was, and I barely understood the concept of a distro, though I would get fliers for them all the time. My sister and I made a zine together; we’d usually make about twenty copies, and when they were gone, we’d make another one. No big deal.
I’m sure it’s impossible to trace back the origins of the idea of a zinester hierarchy; unfortunately, unintentional hierarchies have a way of creeping into our lives, and you can’t just make it go away. It just seems to have a stronger presence in my life than it used to, and I want to know why. I want to know why it is that one zinester’s words could be considered more important than another’s. I want to know why so many girls spend their time quoting other zinesters and quoting Bikini Kill, when they could be writing their own words, playing their own music, making their own art. I also want to know why some zinesters are considered intimidating, and some are not. I’ve been told I’m intimidating, both In Real Life and in the zine community. I always take it as an insult. Whenever people would tell me they thought I was intimidating, or used to until they got to know me, I felt like so much time had been wasted. Like we could have been friends all along if only we’d gotten over that weird feeling. Whenever I feel I might be intimidated by someone, I just remember how shitty it is to have someone feel that way about you, and I get over it. On the other hand, I have also been told that I am very friendly and encouraging, and that I take as a compliment. I want to be encouraging.
Just like when I joined the local roller derby team, I was afraid it was gonna be all these tough, intimidating girls, and that they’d make fun of me for not having the right kind of skates and not having any experience. But when I talked to them, they were all so welcoming and encouraging; each girl has her own strengths, and they’re all willing to help you out, to give you tips and advice on how to improve… And it doesn’t matter if you just picked up a pair of skates a month ago, or if you’ve been playing for five years. If you’re a derby girl, you’re a derby girl, you’re now part of the derby family. And if you’re a zinester, you’re a zinester. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been making zines, how many you’ve made, how many you’ve read. You’re a part of the zine community. And as we say in roller derby: DON’T APOLOGIZE.
And if you’re one of those girls who’s afraid to write a letter to a zinester, please tell me why. I know a lot of us have issues with self-esteem, assertiveness, initiating contact, etc., but seriously. Why are you afraid of sending a letter? And if you think your zine isn’t “good enough”, why is that? (I am asking sincerely.)
Just for fun, here’s a photo of me with the first issue of Telegram Ma’am.
Sincerely,
I like the way we are reading each other’s minds.
TWINS.
well, i don’t think any of the stuff you bring up is actually new, but i also don’t know why it happens or how to change it. i wrote a paper for school twelve years ago, investigating the psychological & sociological underpinnings of zine hierarchy. i came up with a lot of examples, & a few theories about why it happens, but no real ideas on how to change it.
i have been feeling the way you seem to feel for many, many years now, & it’s one big reason why i think my time in the zine world may be over. i have noticed that since taking a step back from being so active with zines, i have noticed these problems a lot less. they’re a lot more obvious when you’re reading zine messageboards & really putting yourself out there. but you can just make zines & have fun with the medium & your zine friends without having to immerse yourself in the minutiae…if you want.
the only thing here i haven’t felt is that i never bother to be offended when someone says they find me intimidating. it happens constantly, of course, but i just shrug it off. i think that feeling intimidated comes from some kind of insecurity, & whoever is intimidated by me isn’t going to feel any better if i get mad when she says so.
it’s all so weird, isn’t it? i have gotten a lot of letters from people that say things like, “i hope it’s okay that i’m writing to you, i’m sure you’re so busy with tons of other important things & don’t care what i have to say,” & it’s like, i made a zine! obviously i care about what my readers have to say. that’s kind of the whole point of the medium! but on the flip side, i have also known people that have felt the need to brag (only word to describe it) when a “famous” zinester replies to their letter, & i have known “famous” zinesters who have spent a lot of time tooting their own horns over all the mail they receive. so, in light of the fact that some people really do seem to make zines in order to boost their own self-images, & some people really do write letters in an effort to claw their way up the perceived totem pole, i guess i can understand why the flip side (people being intimidated) exists. i don’t see any way to really change it, because it means changing certain fundamental aspects of human nature. i can’t control anyone’s behavior but my own, so i just try to be sincere in my actions. that might mean admitting it when i didn’t care for a “famous” zine, or letting a “non-famous” zinester know how much i enjoy her writing–you know, just doing what i really feel, instead of worrying about how it might be perceived or what i personally might get out of it.
Oh, it’s certainly not new, I just had to get it off my chest. I’m hoping that after writing about this publicly, I will quit getting apologies in the mail. (And darn it, I would love to read that paper.)
I’ve definitely had a few instances, especially in the last year or so, where I wanted to quit zines. With the last three or four I’ve made, I’ve said, ‘Fuck it, this is the last one.’ And then I think of something else I want to write, and something else, and it’s just about impossible to step away from. I have definitely been limiting the amount of time I spend thinking about zines, though. I have barely been able to read any the last little while, and now have a stack of unread zines that I feel I will never finish. I have retreated over the last little bit as well, and life got a lot easier when I stopped pressuring myself to absorb everything, to follow the dumb shit that happens on WMZ, etc. I also feel like so many lukewarm friendships have come from my zines (i.e.: people adding me on Facebook after reading my zine and then never, ever talking to me), and I don’t want that anymore, I want real friends. And I don’t want to be concerned with how many zines I sell/trade, or how often I make one.
I guess I am more saddened than offended when somebody says I am intimidating. I like examining where that kind of emotion comes from, but I also just get frustrated and wish it didn’t happen at all. Which is obviously over-simplifying the whole thing, but that’s how it is right now.
“i can’t control anyone’s behavior but my own, so i just try to be sincere in my actions.” Yep, that’s the way to be.
I wrote about zine hierarchies in 2002? 2003? in Brainscan 19. I didn’t really have any explanation for them at the time. The more I have thought about it, it seems like hierarchies breeding insecurity come from the pop culture understanding of media. I have seen zines coming for increasingly less “punk” backgrounds where the idea of pedestals are more accepted. People who create media that we identify with are also creating a world we identify with. The longer someone has been doing whatever it is that a person identifies with and the more a person identifies with that, the more indebted someone could feel I guess.
There are a lot of people who create art that I admire. But, I am never under any illusion that because I like the art they create that we would be friends. I don’t think that creates hierarchies, it’s more like a different path. Fortunately, I have met a lot of people that I admire and we have gotten along. There are some people that I enjoy their zine and find it difficult to communicate with. There are people whose zines are not my favorite but are created by some of my favorite people.
The more I’m involved with zines the more I realize that the only thing that ties us all together is that we enjoy and celebrate print media. I’m fine with leaving it there.
Earlier in the year, I was giving a lot of thought to the fact that a) I wouldn’t want to be friends with every single person who reads my zine, and b) I also wouldn’t want to be friends with everyone who makes a zine I like reading. For various reasons, of course, like the fact that having hundreds of close friends would be impossible, or we wouldn’t get along anyway, or whatever… Anyway, I became really bogged down with that thought process; minor problems in my life often morph themselves into existential crises, and I have to find my way out of it. I started worrying that if I didn’t like every person who read my zine, there was no point in making it. I don’t feel that way anymore, and for the most part, I know why I make zines, but things like this still get to me sometimes. And while I am annoyed with reading zines that feel so much like I’ve read them ten thousand times before, or that basically co-opt somebody else’s ideas, I guess it is inevitable that everyone has to start somewhere, and if Bikini Kill is where you’re beginning, well, there are worse things.
In 1997 I accidentally headbutted one of my best friends in my kitchen because Aaron Cometbus wrote me a letter. I was jumping around and screaming. Justin Beiber may as well have written. But i was 16 and I did idolize the guy. He was writing stories on experiences that I had not yet had. Of course, once those types of tales became part of my life, I realized it wasn’t quite as romantic as it once seemed. I still dig Cometbus tho.
Now at 30… I’ve changed in how I view writers and people who I admire their art or writing. Are these folks who are writing and perpetuating hierarchies just young and ignorant to how we generally roll as zine makers? I like how Alex put it, in that she doesn’t automatically assume to be friends with someone whose art you find awesome.
I will add, when I say someone “intimidates” me, it doesn’t necessarily mean I put them on any higher ground than myself. For me, I get nervous around new people and new situations. I sure as shit was intimidated meeting Ciara for the first time in Portland… because she is brash and i am introverted. It wasn’t because dude, I’ve been reading her zines for umpteen years.
Until then, I will keep autographing all of my zines from my Ivory Tower… and blow kisses from the window at all of my fans.
I think it was/is a lack of confidence in a lot of girls who write to me that bothers(ed) me. And while it’s totally understandable, I just feel like a wall has been put between me and another person when I get a letter from someone who seems to have put me up on a pedestal, and I get irrationally annoyed when I read a new zine and feel like I have read the same one ten thousand times already… even though we all have to start somewhere, and sharing that shit can be really scary. I know that a lot of younger girls could easily be insecure and intimidated, but I get the same kind of messages from women who are older than me as well, so. I’m sure it all stems from a culture that basically destroys are self-esteem and self-confidence, and we have to build it back up from scratch, eventually. It’s one of those things that maybe I need to be more understanding of, since I’ve been there before, but I also find the whole thing really tedious and I feel bad for saying it, but I’ve got better things to do than read a bunch of zines that don’t interest me.
Actually, I can’t really sum up my thoughts in a blog comment. I want to be encouraging of just about all zinesters and potential zinesters, but there’s a lot of shit that I am just tired of dealing with, and I wish I could eliminate it from my life.
Even in the first post-riot grrrl phase of the late 90s/early 00s, people were still quoting the OG RG stuff. It got tiring to a point then as well. I actually had something on my submissions page for my old distro that I did not want to read zines that were basically a rehash or reprints of what Kathleen Hanna or whomever wrote (then) 10-13 years ago, that I wanted to read what they [the new zine writer] had to say about feminism, not stuff I had read 50 times before.
But once the tides had sort of changed after Le Tigre & The Butchies played the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival in the early 00s, some people seemed to be quoting that stuff out of laziness and/or a deep acceptance of that hierarchy. Like sort of a “they can’t be wrong, they were original riot grrrls” sort of thing.